HARI PENENTUAN...

7/8/2014

Assalamualaikum Ija...

Sudah lama abang nak buka mulut kepada Ija mengenai perkahwinan kita yang senantiasa diselubungi awan mendung. Abang rasa macam kita tak pernah kahwin pun. Tetapi kadang2 bila Ija bersama abang, selalu  Ija pegang tangan abang terutama bila kita berjalan tak kiralah melintas jalan ka, ka pasar ka atau ke supermarket ka. . Tetapi  kita juga kerap bermasam muka, tidak bertegur sesama kita beberapa hari sehingga adakalanya sehingga  sampai berminggu-minggu.

Bila Ija "out station" ( yang abang tidak ikut sama) seingat abang Ija tak pernah sekali pun call abang. Bila abang call Ija nak bertanya mengenai keadaan Ija, abang tak dapat bercakap lama sebab Ija cepat2 nak berhenti bercakap saolah2 Ija tersangat sibuk dan  abang tak perlu dilayan. Mungkin kalau abang bercakap terlalu lama itu akan mengganggu privacy Ija. Takpa lah abang tahu abang ini siapa. Bila abang teringat nak call tetapi tak jadi takut Ija tak nak layan. Abang terasa hati  bila Ija buat bagitu. Bila abang kata abang rindu Ija jawab Ija tak rindu pun sebab Ija sibuk. Sebagai orang yang sudah tua abang sangat mengerti. Kadang2  Ija call pun  abang  tak jawab. Jikalau abang tak jawab panggilan telefon itu bersebab mungkin tak dengar atau , mungkin tidak membawa telefon. Sekali-kali abang bukan niat tak mahu jawab telefon.

I  think you don't need me any more. As I have said before, I am too old for you and being poor ( no money ) I cannot buy you even anything..Please forgive me for not buying you baju raya.

Since the day we got married we often quarreled at the average of every two weeks.. so to say. I am with my Langkawi program and you with your unending task, pursuing your carrier which I have no objection at all.

I don't want to say more than what I should say because when I open my mouth I often contradict myself. To you, what ever I  say or do,  is sometimes not  right. I now realised that I do not match and relevant to your needs anymore. Our sweet moments spent in KK and Labuan does not meant anything to you. It is not easy to have such a quality time spent together.

You don't love me no more..you no more utter " I love you " like you did before we got married. BUT You don't know how much I love you. The way you smile, the way you laugh and the way you carry yourself that attracts me. Please remember sometimes most married  men do not show and confess their affection towards their women in person. But for me,  I married you as you are, not for your educational  status nor your properties, though I don't possessed academic achievement as you are. I just love you. Forgive me for that.

You don't love me no more, so I humbly beg down and with much regret that I am here to inform you that I am preparing my divorce  proceeding in two weeks time. Though.. I don't need your permission, but at least  I need your respect and blessing to do so.  I Hope this is not a big surprise to you and as you have  said,  being a divorcee once,  you have gained enough and much accounted experience with men. You cannot be played out by any men.

Please forgive me Ija... I am not the real man that you are looking for. What you saw in me is nothing than my super imposed character just to please you.. after all in real sense  I have nothing to be proud of.

Forgive me Ija and to your children.. especially Fauzah and  Naurah.. I love Naurah  so much and being the youngest she may has lost tender affection from her  father because she is always very close  to you.  I don't know.. Though I cannot replace her biological father, but at least I am happy to hear the word " Abah" from both of them. I want them to share their lives with me.. as long as I am still breathing...Maafkan lah abah kerana telah gagal dan belum sempat untuk menjadi saorang abah " mithali " Selamat maju jaya dalam pelajaran dan cita-cita. Abah senantiasa berdoa agar salitulrahim diantara kita terus berkekalan... Insya'Allah...Ameen.